Visit #1

THE FIXER

I’m going to begin at the end.

I have to because she wouldn’t expect any different from me.

On more than one occasion she said, “Wendy—I just CAN’T with you.” LOL. It actually reads harsher than it ever sounded out loud. I know now that she secretly loved saying things like that because it would provide her yet another opportunity to be the head “fixer” of our family. Even if it was something as small as the way I chose to begin my first blog.

About her.

You see, being the eldest of seven children, Suzi was the classic first born. I mean she was EPIC. There was not one of the usual stereotypical traits that she didn’t excel at. Reliable. Conscientious, Structured, Cautious, Nurturing, Controlling, Bossy, Overachiever, Fiercely Protective. God knew exactly what he was doing when he placed her there. In return, he granted her first couple years all to herself (which she would later describe as the happiest years of her life) before “all hell broke loose” which translated to the time the rest of us arrived. She had no say in the matter. It was done.

A “fixer” is defined as someone with an uncontrollable need to help, give, rescue and solve the problems of others. It was no coincidence that “Ray Donovan” was one of her absolute favorite TV shows. Of course it was. Suzi “fixed” like a boss. Sibling arguments, travel nightmares, job issues, financial problems, relationship troubles, illnesses, house hunting. No problem was too big or small for my sister. Although I’m not sure even a “fixer” manual teaches one how to handle two parents dying seven months apart. Our Suzanne did. It wasn’t right away. Even she needed time to collect herself. But she did. The thought of any of her six siblings needing help sprung her into action. God knew what he was doing.

I must go back to where I began. The End.

My last text message with Suzi was exactly one year ago today. It was a Thursday. It wouldn’t be my last conversation–we would talk on the phone the next day. This would be my last message. Earlier in the week I had texted her about a movie I was going to see. “Crazy, Rich Asians.” I initially mixed up the title. She politely corrected me. LOL. She had already seen it. She said she couldn’t wait to hear my reaction. On that Thursday she texted to ask if I had liked the movie. “It wasn’t what I expected,” I replied. “Wasn’t the wedding procession beautiful?” she asked. We went on to chat (text) about different scenes and characters until finally I wondered why she kept calling it a low budget movie. “It couldn’t possibly be,” I said. About a minute later she forwarded me an article all about the movie, how the producers had kept the budget low and all about where it was filmed etc. It was a fascinating article. She knew I would enjoy it. We texted back and forth a bit more until………..

“I’ll call you in the morning. No school–Jewish holiday. What time?” (me)

“10:30 Bill has a dentist appointment.” (her)

“Call my cell then. Haircut at 11.” (me)

Two days later she would be gone.

And in two days she will be gone a year.

I can’t dive too deep today, Suzi. I need to keep my heart closer to the surface where it feels safe. But it’s a start.

And I’m going to need your help to fix me.